this might be a long rant so read on at your own will.
I would very much appreciate being able to snap my fingers and have my name just disappear from the internet. It’s not because I find anything incriminating when searching my name because I’ve been pretty responsible about my internet use since I started. The thing is I don’t like this whole archive of my teenage self being available to anyone who knows my full name or even just for myself to look back on. I want to be able to just start fresh after this year. Would changing my name be too much? Granted, I like my name a lot but I want a clean slate.
I was telling my mother how I don’t feel like I’ve made any real friends these last few years in NY and how once I move out I’m pretty certain that I’ll never talk to any of these people ever again. It’s like all the people I did try to get to know and integrate with didn’t turn out to care or be good people and the few good people I would’ve liked to get to know, it never worked. It has always been the situation where you know you could be great friends but can never decide on concrete plans to hang out with each other so it just gets forgotten eventually and you’re left wondering but you still think they’re great obviously but there’s a point that too much time has passed and you’re more friendly than friends.
I have spent most of my time resenting that but recently decided that I’m ok with never seeing anyone again since I seem to be good at that. I’m perfectly content that my best friend is someone I’ve known since I was 4 years old. I definitely think I’ve changed as a person and grown up after I left high school but I don’t feel as if those friendships are gone. In fact, most of those are still the strongest in my life even though they met me when I was much different person. Maybe I just met the best people at the places where you’d assume all the worst people would be and there’s no one else for me to meet. You’d think NY would be the perfect place to be social but the social circles are the most fucked up. To think that up until this year I had never met a person I felt so in sync with and now that person will never be more than that funny kid from my class however many years ago because our time is almost up.
I guess what I’m saying is that Chaska blahblahblah (I’m sure you know my last name) may no longer exist as such in a couple months because there is so much negativity associated to that name and that life and whoever that person has been at so many different stages. And hey, I think I deserve a chance to be gone and be happy and off the grid. I’m sorry (but not really) if it’s wrong to want that for myself or to want to be better person because funnily enough some people will make you feel guilty for trying to make a change. I decided to stop listening to anyone. I have never felt more alone or more alive now that the end of this experience is near. I regret most (if not all) of it but when it’s done I don’t ever want to have to look back. Too bad it had to be such an expensive life lesson. I guess I have a good 6 or so years left to figure it all out.
I don’t know, I don’t think this makes much sense but I have been unable to focus on anything tonight and need to get work done so I thought to just get this over with by writing it down. I do apologize if you tried to read through all that mess.
